I woke up this morning and after a quick shower I headed to
my porch (my new favorite location) in search of finding God. Some people call
it quiet times, but for me that’s the Christianized way to describe reading
your Bible and trying hard not to fall asleep and drool on your couch. So this
morning I headed to the porch hoping to revamp my spiritual life for I’ve
learned the hard way that I need Jesus every single moment of my life and that
connecting with Him first thing in the morning gives me His eyes to see the
world for the rest of the day. I’ve been going back to the principle of
dialoguing with Jesus in my journal, where essentially I engage Jesus in
conversation (John 10 says He speaks to us for those who think I may have
schizophrenia) and write down His responses to me. This morning as I was
singing one of the many songs about how great God’s love for me is, I felt Him
ask me if I believed that He loved me more than anyone else could. At first, I was
tempted to strike up the “Christianese” response of “Of Course.” However, I
felt an overwhelming sense of no that honestly I have never thought could ever
be inside of a Christian let alone my own heart.
In a moment, I went
from worshipping God to being confronted with the fact that I didn’t believe
Jesus truly loved me as much as our songs proclaim He did.
To keep what’s going to already be long a tad bit shorter
the conversation that followed went something like this…
“ Do you believe that I could love you more than any one
else could?”
“No”
“Then my love for you is not as great in your life as it
could be.”
“Why do I not believe You love me to such an extent?”
“Because you haven’t plunged into the fullness.”
“Lord what the crap does that mean? How can I then plunge
more into the fullness?”
“Believe with your heart.”
“Lord show me how.”
“Follow Me.”
… then silence followed. I tried to discern His voice again
but I couldn’t. After about 10 minutes of asking God what he meant by telling
me to follow Him and hearing absolutely nothing in return I became extremely
aggravated. In a moment of frustration I threw my pen down. It was there that I
heard a faint but familiar voice say…
“Why are you frustrated?”
“Because God you are not there for me.” I responded
vehemently.
“Ah so you don’t
believe that I’m there for you. You’re afraid that I’ll just leave you high and
dry and that I’ll abandon you.”
I was afraid of being abandoned.
Have you ever felt so seen by someone that it feels as if
you are standing there completely naked and completely vulnerable? Well, after
hearing that soft phrase uttered by an even gentler Father, I felt completely
ashamed and embarrassed; I had just found myself sinking in a river of Satan’s
lies, accumulating all into a swirling and frigid mass that had convinced me
somewhere along the way that God was not there for me.
I tell this story because I want to live in complete
vulnerability. I tell you this story because I want you to know that it didn’t
end there. It never ends after identifying a lie. Identifying a lie is only the
first stages, replacing that lie in your heart with the Truth of God is the
next. I had two choices in the moment when God told me that I was being held
subtly captive by a spirit of abandonment. I could either get defensive and
prideful or I could be drawn closer to Him. I chose the latter.
In a flurry of mere seconds Jesus showed me the origin of
the false belief about Him: the times I was supposed to have had certain
friends pick me up to take me to church but was often forgotten about and left
at home looking out the window panes. Once a lie is identified and the origin
of it is discovered Satan loses all power, for whether we are aware of it or
not Jesus is always there. Even as I stood heartbroken and devalued as a 14
year old boy looking out the window, Jesus was there the whole time longing for
me to seek Him so He could tell me how valued and beloved I was to Him.
I had fallen victim to a lie.
It’s not the first and won’t be the last, but by the
inherent goodness of God, one less obstacle is now in the way of my
relationship with Him.
What subtle lie are you believing?
Are you afraid that Jesus isn’t truly there for you?
Listen to the Truth, the Way, the Life and not the one who
comes to “steal, kill and destroy!”
Merely,
Chris Gerac
“The LORD your God who
goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6, ESV
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